Living with OCD Interviews:
CHRIS
CHRIS
Chris was 28 when we first chatted, and he lived in England. I was glad to speak with Chris, as he opened up about a subtype of OCD that many people may not know about.
Chris' OCD took the form of obsessions related to harm. People can obsess about things they fear the most. Those with OCD who have these types of thoughts are no more likely to behave in a harmful manner than those without OCD. These obsessions are experienced as distressing and outside of people's sense of self. According to the OCD Center of Los Angeles, "Harming obsessions typically center around the belief that one must be absolutely certain that they are in control at all times in order to ensure that they are not responsible for a violent or otherwise fatal act."
Chris' OCD took the form of obsessions related to harm. People can obsess about things they fear the most. Those with OCD who have these types of thoughts are no more likely to behave in a harmful manner than those without OCD. These obsessions are experienced as distressing and outside of people's sense of self. According to the OCD Center of Los Angeles, "Harming obsessions typically center around the belief that one must be absolutely certain that they are in control at all times in order to ensure that they are not responsible for a violent or otherwise fatal act."
In Chris' words:
"[OCD has affected my life] badly. It's difficult to get out of the house even to go to work. . . . I'm scared of harming people. It occupies my mind all day. . . .
I get thoughts of harming everyone. If me and you were in the same room I would get thoughts of harming you. . . . [Before I was diagnosed with OCD] I thought I was going insane. . . . [I still] find it embarrassing and shameful. People just won't understand.
[As one example of what I go through, I experience urges when driving about running] people down. . . . I am always checking the rearview mirror to see if the pedestrian is still out there. Even though I can see them I can't stop checking that I haven't hurt them. . . . When I get home I always expect a visit from the police. . . .When I see a pedestrian, I feel like I am getting closer to them even though (using the white lines as markers on the road as a guide) I am not getting any closer. . . . There would be sometimes (and even now) that although I have looked at the bonnet [car hood] and saw that there was nothing there, I would feel the need to get out and feel the bonnet for a dead body. Even though I can see there is nothing there and can feel nothing I would have to examine the bonnet in great detail. . . . [As another example] I would have thoughts of raping my girlfriend. . . . I know I would never do such a thing but the thoughts are always there. . . . [I would check to make sure I didn't hurt her.] . . . [At work] I couldn't complete any paperwork because I was scared that I may write something rude about them. I couldn't hold a conversation with anyone in case I said anything I shouldn't and so on.
Years later I talked to Chris after he had gotten treatment:
[My therapist] showed me that all people get 'bad' thoughts and urges. He said that people without OCD are able to dismiss these thoughts as nonsense and carry on with their lives, whereas people with OCD feel ashamed of having that thought in the first place and can't get rid of it. Knowing that everybody gets 'bad' thoughts was quite comforting. For the first time in a long time, I felt I wasn't going insane. . . . Don't think of a red ball. What's the first thing you think of? You have to think of the red ball so that you know what not to think of. . . . [My therapist] has told me to adopt a carefree attitude to others [and stop avoiding people] so that I can recover. . . . [I try not to repeatedly check to see if I have harmed anyone. Therapy also involved] analyzing how stupid my thoughts and urges were. . . .
No [I have not told anyone but my girlfriend about my OCD]. I am still very ashamed at the thoughts and impulses I get. . . . [With respect to my relationship with my girlfriend, OCD has] made it stronger because she knows something no one else does. . . . She has been very supportive since she has known [including helping me with my treatment].
When we last chatted, Chris told me: [Now I] lead a relatively normal life."
"[OCD has affected my life] badly. It's difficult to get out of the house even to go to work. . . . I'm scared of harming people. It occupies my mind all day. . . .
I get thoughts of harming everyone. If me and you were in the same room I would get thoughts of harming you. . . . [Before I was diagnosed with OCD] I thought I was going insane. . . . [I still] find it embarrassing and shameful. People just won't understand.
[As one example of what I go through, I experience urges when driving about running] people down. . . . I am always checking the rearview mirror to see if the pedestrian is still out there. Even though I can see them I can't stop checking that I haven't hurt them. . . . When I get home I always expect a visit from the police. . . .When I see a pedestrian, I feel like I am getting closer to them even though (using the white lines as markers on the road as a guide) I am not getting any closer. . . . There would be sometimes (and even now) that although I have looked at the bonnet [car hood] and saw that there was nothing there, I would feel the need to get out and feel the bonnet for a dead body. Even though I can see there is nothing there and can feel nothing I would have to examine the bonnet in great detail. . . . [As another example] I would have thoughts of raping my girlfriend. . . . I know I would never do such a thing but the thoughts are always there. . . . [I would check to make sure I didn't hurt her.] . . . [At work] I couldn't complete any paperwork because I was scared that I may write something rude about them. I couldn't hold a conversation with anyone in case I said anything I shouldn't and so on.
Years later I talked to Chris after he had gotten treatment:
[My therapist] showed me that all people get 'bad' thoughts and urges. He said that people without OCD are able to dismiss these thoughts as nonsense and carry on with their lives, whereas people with OCD feel ashamed of having that thought in the first place and can't get rid of it. Knowing that everybody gets 'bad' thoughts was quite comforting. For the first time in a long time, I felt I wasn't going insane. . . . Don't think of a red ball. What's the first thing you think of? You have to think of the red ball so that you know what not to think of. . . . [My therapist] has told me to adopt a carefree attitude to others [and stop avoiding people] so that I can recover. . . . [I try not to repeatedly check to see if I have harmed anyone. Therapy also involved] analyzing how stupid my thoughts and urges were. . . .
No [I have not told anyone but my girlfriend about my OCD]. I am still very ashamed at the thoughts and impulses I get. . . . [With respect to my relationship with my girlfriend, OCD has] made it stronger because she knows something no one else does. . . . She has been very supportive since she has known [including helping me with my treatment].
When we last chatted, Chris told me: [Now I] lead a relatively normal life."