Living with OCD Interviews:
Mick
Mick
Mick used to send me journal entries of his life with OCD, and I found them particularly intriguing because I could not always identify which parts were "OCD" and which parts were not. Through him I gained more insight into how OCD does not feel the same to everyone. Some people feel as if they experience identifiable episodes of OCD but Mick found that OCD regularly affected his decisions. It operated as "background noise." As he told me, "minor or trivial incidents of OCD are usually very frequent and not very stressful: sort of like background noise. For example, if a typo were to make an OCDer nervous, hypothetically speaking, (s)he might have to touch two fingers together or count to two or three in order to dispel the anxiety. If this did not build up in frequency, but just happened sort of randomly, it might be forgotten almost as soon as these rituals were performed, unless actively trying to keep track of it. I don't know whether psychologists would call this OCD -- it seems to lack the criterion of causing great distress or interfering with ability to function. But I include it in my view of OCD both because it is qualitatively the same phenomenon in many ways and because under conditions of stress it might be sort of the tip of the iceberg from which the rest emerges."
Mick and I discussed how the public sometimes misunderstands the disorder in a way where it is perceived in a humorous or positive manner (such as helping the T.V. character Monk solve crimes). Some research I did on representations of OCD in the media sparked this discussion. Mick himself believed that OCD is not always a negative force in people's lives. Indeed, he talked to me about how he found some of his compulsions useful as a coping technique. Rather than simply argue that the public needs more information about OCD as some of my other interviewees did, Mick was concerned about whether information could be conveyed to the public in a way that did not lead to negative misunderstandings of the disorder and increase stigma. Therefore, in my book I highlight how we have to find ways to increase public knowledge of OCD without fomenting stigma.
Mick and I discussed how the public sometimes misunderstands the disorder in a way where it is perceived in a humorous or positive manner (such as helping the T.V. character Monk solve crimes). Some research I did on representations of OCD in the media sparked this discussion. Mick himself believed that OCD is not always a negative force in people's lives. Indeed, he talked to me about how he found some of his compulsions useful as a coping technique. Rather than simply argue that the public needs more information about OCD as some of my other interviewees did, Mick was concerned about whether information could be conveyed to the public in a way that did not lead to negative misunderstandings of the disorder and increase stigma. Therefore, in my book I highlight how we have to find ways to increase public knowledge of OCD without fomenting stigma.
In Mick's words:
"I am afraid to do things because I fear unintended consequences. I'm afraid to serve on a jury, lest I make the wrong decision. I'm afraid to drive, lest I accidentally hit someone. I'm afraid to write a book, lest it give someone any bad idea. But I do drive, and someday I may do the other things. It amazes me that anyone -- even friends and family members of mine -- can do these things without fear. They are no safer than I am; I am no safer than they. I just worry more than they do.
Ah, yes, the myth of OCD Superpowers! Like when Monk solves a case because of his keen alertness to details no one else would notice. This is patently ridiculous (but I always found it an enjoyable aspect of the show). One lady even posted something on an OCD bulletin board once about our being 'superior' in some respects. This is mostly silly. Mostly. . . . But almost every trait becomes advantageous in the proper circumstances. . . .
I feel that my compulsions are a shield against chaos and obsessions, a structure I can cling to when confused or overwhelmed. In some sense, it would not be wholly inaccurate to say that I neither wish to preserve them nor to get rid of them, but to maintain only as many of them as I need. They become more intense and more prevalent in times of stress. That is inconvenient, but I would question the assertion that it is entirely maladaptive. I was a biology major, you remember. We learned that one must be very careful before concluding that any trait in biology exists without conferring some advantage to its organism. Compulsions are an inefficient and sometimes embarrassing way of dealing with life's problems, a technique -- to speak loosely -- with many undesirable side effects, but as the singer declaimed, 'I know that drinking makes my thinking hazy/ but at least [ it allows me to ] think.' That's how I view my compulsions, you perceive? I really do think more clearly when I have my environment the way I want it. When my behavior accords with my compulsive imperatives, I really do remember tasks I wished to pursue but would likely have forgotten otherwise. But --- and here is the catch --- as anyone who studies OCD knows, it is a slippery slope. There is no clear endpoint, no perfect situation that lasts for more than a few seconds wherein one can say, 'Ah, now everything is just right.' Compulsions lead to feelings that more compulsions must be done. Therefore, what I really seek is balance. . . .
[In a way, I agree with those you interviewed that are sorry the diverse ways OCD manifests are not represented in the media.] but (1) how, oh how, do you represent something like that? Something so internal? So perceptual? And (2) how do you do it without your audience getting the wrong idea, wondering whether the show is going to end with harm to 'his neighbor's little boy' or the bus driver being hailed with a racial epithet? Because, of course, there is no molestation and there is no insult; it is the unrealistic fear of these happening and the fear of losing control that one means to portray. Yes, perhaps I'd sooner leave the issue alone [i.e. the media not try to represent certain things about OCD as it might lead to stigma.] . . .I have a recurring fear of, ah, being misunderstood and therefore feared."