Living with OCD Interviews:
Rodney
Rodney
Rodney and I began chatting when he was in his fifties. He has argued that much more information needs to be available publicly about OCD and has criticized the lack of support for those with the disorder. It was many years before Rodney learned about OCD and realized he had OCD, and he thinks he might have lived differently if he knew sooner. A friend once recognized something that he was doing as a compulsion and mentioned that it could be OCD. This led Rodney to seek out books and information on OCD. Even then, Rodney was so surprised that OCD existed that he thought perhaps someone had placed information about OCD in the first book he found, as a prank for him to find. It was that unbelievable to him. Rodney said, “I never could imagine that even one person in the whole world had what I had. It was so unbelievable that it took me years after learning about OCD to truly believe the disorder existed.”
Rodney and I communicated periodically over the course of over 15 years. He experienced a variety of forms of OCD, some of which he explained in vivid detail. Importantly, he taught me much about what it means to live with OCD over time. Rodney was eventually diagnosed with OCD, depression, and OCPD (although he disagreed with the latter).
Rodney and I communicated periodically over the course of over 15 years. He experienced a variety of forms of OCD, some of which he explained in vivid detail. Importantly, he taught me much about what it means to live with OCD over time. Rodney was eventually diagnosed with OCD, depression, and OCPD (although he disagreed with the latter).
In Rodney’s words:
"[Regarding what OCD is like,] you fight with your mind. There’s always a battle going on. . . . You remember those little cartoons, when they used to show a person having an evil and a good conscience. Like the character would have a lookalike image of themselves smaller with a halo which would be like an angel . . . and the other side would be sort of a replica of himself, a smaller version of someone carrying a pitchfork looking like a devil. . . . And they would debate with one another. Similarly, with OCD-- one would be the rational . . . the very cold scientific logic, and the other side is the emotional part and there’s always these battles. And that’s what causes a lot of anxiety and anguish. . . . [The scientific part knows the thoughts and compulsions make] no sense; this is stupid. When I was younger . . . I didn’t realize to the degree that many of these compulsive behaviors were as illogical. I knew that they were. . . . I knew it was embarrassing. I kept it secret. But I thought of it as more of a superstition. But it seemed as the older I got, the more illogical and the more irrational that they seemed to get, and the more insight [I gained]. . . . When I would go somewhere, have a bad thought, I was always afraid . . . my fingernails would fall out and leave a presence of me in someplace evil like a dirty bathroom. . . . I know I remember that I always would hold hands real tight, and I was always trying to mimic like I was trying to scoop up my fingernails, like my fingernails were falling off. And I knew that it was not rational. . . . You know I always had a sense of reality. . . . But I always felt like I used to have to scoop up. And I remember doing it 4 and 5 times. Those were the very magical numbers. . . . And I remember walking and when I had a bad thought, especially if it was someplace important, or it was a place I really enjoyed walking. . . . I’d have to back up and walk and retrace the thought or maybe point my finger. Or if I was having a thought that was important I had to make sure I was walking and my feet were pointing. My left foot, right foot would have to be pointing to the right. . . . And I remember one time going over a bridge and having to go back and forth. And the more I went and had the bad thought, I’d have to back up. . . . The bad thought would occur again . . . and I wasn’t making any progress. And it was taking me forever to walk across the bridge. . . . I thought, 'Man, if someone ever saw me from my high school I’ll never live this down.' . . . I just was afraid I was going to go in school and someone was gonna say, 'Hey Rodney, I saw you going back and forth, what were you doing?' And for weeks I was afraid that someone was going to come up and taunt me. But those were some of the symptoms I had. That of backing up and going forth, and retracing and doing something over again. . .
My therapist at the county clinic often used to berate me to repeating things during our sessions.(I would love to see an 'OCD friendly zone' sticker on her door (and other mental health care worker’s doors) just as others place 'gay friendly zone' stickers on various campus office doors.) . . . Politicians talk about the huge chasm between the have and have-nots, between Blacks and Whites. Anyone ever look at the gap of people (with OCD) and the haves. . . . I bet our gap is greater than the any of the above-mentioned groups. Why is it that I have no one to turn to when I have these basic and desperate needs like housing, and utilities and food? . . . I always felt ashamed to ask for help-very ashamed. But when I see all the "Safe Zones" stickers-the ones that offer safe places for gay, lesbian, and transgender people to feel at home, I get so angry that I have no one to go to. . . . I cannot find a 'Safe Zone' even at a social service agency. When I went to a Vocational Rehabilitation agency I was told: 'Frankly, I know you can't help having OCD but if I had to work with you, you would drive me crazy.' . . .
I want to tell you the immense difficulty that an OCD person has in securing and holding a job. Can you imagine Howard Hughes holding a job—even as a busboy in his later condition? When a person gets older there is the additional problem of not having a work history—kind of analogous to not having a credit history (or having a bad credit history) and then applying for a loan. Of course I cannot apply for highly skilled jobs, but when I applied to more menial positions I am often thought strange for being in a position to have to apply for something so low and I might even add, undignified. . . . First I get castigated for not being humble enough to take any position (this usually happens when I ask for money) and then when I do take 'anything' I get chastised for not 'being aggressive enough (this usually happens when I am not earning enough to get by.' How ironic; first I get inculcated with advice that I stick out a job for many years to prove my reliability and diligence in contrast to my earlier practice of going from job to job. Yet when I stay at the same job I am then railed at for being not ambitious—and lazy! I have often learned to apply some my thespian skills honed in disguising my OCD rituals to providing a more acceptable background for seeking a job. . . .
I am not proposing that OCDers organize their own political lobby. I would rather that society focus on helping individuals as individuals instead of only helping those disadvantaged who belong to well-recognized and well-publicized groups. I might add that when I say “focus on individuals” I still believe there still should be an effort to inform the public of the unique sufferings that OCDers endure.
However I fear as a consequence of educating the public on OCD, is that since OCD cannot be as easily identified as say, skin color or ethnicity, non-OCDers may try to capitalize on any attention that may be directed to OCD by falsely claiming to have OCD. This would have the result in trivializing the ordeals of OCDers to outsiders. . . . [Also] many OCDers, especially men, would never be reached through many programs and social service agencies, as internal guilt would prevent them from seeking help—or even revealing their condition to anyone. . . . So I strongly feel that society needs to start helping individuals, not just at those who belong in certain 'official' groups, but anyone who exhibits a true disability or handicap. Many people, as I did, reveal only a fraction of what is troubling them, keeping the balance in a tight and and impenetrable reserve. . ."
"[Regarding what OCD is like,] you fight with your mind. There’s always a battle going on. . . . You remember those little cartoons, when they used to show a person having an evil and a good conscience. Like the character would have a lookalike image of themselves smaller with a halo which would be like an angel . . . and the other side would be sort of a replica of himself, a smaller version of someone carrying a pitchfork looking like a devil. . . . And they would debate with one another. Similarly, with OCD-- one would be the rational . . . the very cold scientific logic, and the other side is the emotional part and there’s always these battles. And that’s what causes a lot of anxiety and anguish. . . . [The scientific part knows the thoughts and compulsions make] no sense; this is stupid. When I was younger . . . I didn’t realize to the degree that many of these compulsive behaviors were as illogical. I knew that they were. . . . I knew it was embarrassing. I kept it secret. But I thought of it as more of a superstition. But it seemed as the older I got, the more illogical and the more irrational that they seemed to get, and the more insight [I gained]. . . . When I would go somewhere, have a bad thought, I was always afraid . . . my fingernails would fall out and leave a presence of me in someplace evil like a dirty bathroom. . . . I know I remember that I always would hold hands real tight, and I was always trying to mimic like I was trying to scoop up my fingernails, like my fingernails were falling off. And I knew that it was not rational. . . . You know I always had a sense of reality. . . . But I always felt like I used to have to scoop up. And I remember doing it 4 and 5 times. Those were the very magical numbers. . . . And I remember walking and when I had a bad thought, especially if it was someplace important, or it was a place I really enjoyed walking. . . . I’d have to back up and walk and retrace the thought or maybe point my finger. Or if I was having a thought that was important I had to make sure I was walking and my feet were pointing. My left foot, right foot would have to be pointing to the right. . . . And I remember one time going over a bridge and having to go back and forth. And the more I went and had the bad thought, I’d have to back up. . . . The bad thought would occur again . . . and I wasn’t making any progress. And it was taking me forever to walk across the bridge. . . . I thought, 'Man, if someone ever saw me from my high school I’ll never live this down.' . . . I just was afraid I was going to go in school and someone was gonna say, 'Hey Rodney, I saw you going back and forth, what were you doing?' And for weeks I was afraid that someone was going to come up and taunt me. But those were some of the symptoms I had. That of backing up and going forth, and retracing and doing something over again. . .
My therapist at the county clinic often used to berate me to repeating things during our sessions.(I would love to see an 'OCD friendly zone' sticker on her door (and other mental health care worker’s doors) just as others place 'gay friendly zone' stickers on various campus office doors.) . . . Politicians talk about the huge chasm between the have and have-nots, between Blacks and Whites. Anyone ever look at the gap of people (with OCD) and the haves. . . . I bet our gap is greater than the any of the above-mentioned groups. Why is it that I have no one to turn to when I have these basic and desperate needs like housing, and utilities and food? . . . I always felt ashamed to ask for help-very ashamed. But when I see all the "Safe Zones" stickers-the ones that offer safe places for gay, lesbian, and transgender people to feel at home, I get so angry that I have no one to go to. . . . I cannot find a 'Safe Zone' even at a social service agency. When I went to a Vocational Rehabilitation agency I was told: 'Frankly, I know you can't help having OCD but if I had to work with you, you would drive me crazy.' . . .
I want to tell you the immense difficulty that an OCD person has in securing and holding a job. Can you imagine Howard Hughes holding a job—even as a busboy in his later condition? When a person gets older there is the additional problem of not having a work history—kind of analogous to not having a credit history (or having a bad credit history) and then applying for a loan. Of course I cannot apply for highly skilled jobs, but when I applied to more menial positions I am often thought strange for being in a position to have to apply for something so low and I might even add, undignified. . . . First I get castigated for not being humble enough to take any position (this usually happens when I ask for money) and then when I do take 'anything' I get chastised for not 'being aggressive enough (this usually happens when I am not earning enough to get by.' How ironic; first I get inculcated with advice that I stick out a job for many years to prove my reliability and diligence in contrast to my earlier practice of going from job to job. Yet when I stay at the same job I am then railed at for being not ambitious—and lazy! I have often learned to apply some my thespian skills honed in disguising my OCD rituals to providing a more acceptable background for seeking a job. . . .
I am not proposing that OCDers organize their own political lobby. I would rather that society focus on helping individuals as individuals instead of only helping those disadvantaged who belong to well-recognized and well-publicized groups. I might add that when I say “focus on individuals” I still believe there still should be an effort to inform the public of the unique sufferings that OCDers endure.
However I fear as a consequence of educating the public on OCD, is that since OCD cannot be as easily identified as say, skin color or ethnicity, non-OCDers may try to capitalize on any attention that may be directed to OCD by falsely claiming to have OCD. This would have the result in trivializing the ordeals of OCDers to outsiders. . . . [Also] many OCDers, especially men, would never be reached through many programs and social service agencies, as internal guilt would prevent them from seeking help—or even revealing their condition to anyone. . . . So I strongly feel that society needs to start helping individuals, not just at those who belong in certain 'official' groups, but anyone who exhibits a true disability or handicap. Many people, as I did, reveal only a fraction of what is troubling them, keeping the balance in a tight and and impenetrable reserve. . ."